The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
