btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
