Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
