I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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