You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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