Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dick very happy bro
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize