When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
