doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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