I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I understand Curling. That high.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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