We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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