I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
