We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
