You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
