Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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