I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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