Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
