You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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