My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Randomize
