Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
