there was a trapeze. enough said
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
