Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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