Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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