I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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