Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Holy sore nipples Batman
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
