I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
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I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
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yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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