We won't sleep together?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
