I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
