Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
