when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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