he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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