i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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