you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my shit smells like andre
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
