while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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