I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
