Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
