He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
