Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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