I'm so fucking centered right now
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
