I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
