My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Randomize
