wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
