i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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