she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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