Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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