They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
