I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
