the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
