running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
