Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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