John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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