I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
