I look better un-naked...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
