The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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