and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
