i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
